Dubito Ergo Cogito, Cogito Ergo Sum
by GuardianSaiyoko
Summary: Persona 4 Everything that exists casts some sort of shadow. Souji wonders what that means about him.


**Disclaimer: **Written for a prompt on the BadBadBathhouse meme.

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**Dubito Ergo Cogito; Cogito Ergo Sum

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He hadn't wondered about it too much, at first. He hadn't had the time- Yosuke and Chie and Yukiko's Shadows had all been too fast, one after the other. By the time they'd made it through Kanji's dungeon, though, it had begun to seriously bother him.

Rise's dungeon made it even worse, not because Rise's Shadow was any more difficult than the others (even though it _was_), but because the knowing that even _Teddie_ had a Shadow made Souji feel... inadequate. Incomplete.

Inferior.

_Unreal_.

After Naoto's rescue, after she brings them all in for check-ups, Souji wonders what would have shown up if _he'd_ had an x-ray. Nothing, he thinks; at least Teddie's was blurry.

His own would probably not even have had a shadow on it.

He finally brings it up, late one night when Dojima isn't home, and Nanako is at Mai's, and Yosuke insisted on crashing on his couch. For some reason, Teddie had come along too, and Kanji, and Souji's room had swiftly become crowded and cramped.

At least, he tries.

"What was it like-" Souji starts, and then falls silent, suddenly unsure how to complete his question. They don't really seriously bring up each other's Shadows around anyone but Souji after all. He doesn't have one, so it's safe to bring them up with him- because it's not like they'll remind him of anything uncomfortable, right? Right.

He lets it go, and the rest don't seem to notice his aborted question.

It's not until after the Culture Festival that he tries again.

He'd had a dream, the night before, that Margaret was chasing him, and it made him recall one of his first conversations in the Velvet Room.

He wasn't ... _empty._

_Was_ he?

It's late, and Kanji's asleep. So is Teddie. Yosuke would like them all to believe he's asleep as well, but even in the dim glow from the stars outside Souji can see his best friend's eyes are open. Yosuke's sprawled on his back staring at the ceiling, far more comfortable with the way Teddie's curled up against his side than Souji would ever have guessed.

But then, all of Souji's team has learned, is learning, to cope with and be comfortable with themselves. Souji wishes he could learn from them what they all say he's taught them, except that he's yet to figure out what his 'self' is. If he even has one.

"Yosuke," Souji finally says.

Yosuke blinks, turns his head, focuses on Souji. "Yeah, partner?"

Souji swallows, his mouth seeming to dry out. He can ask this. He _can. _

Or he _could_, if he didn't feel like his Personae were tearing at his mind from all sides, offering conflicting advice, fracturing his personality. If he didn't feel like his _self_ was only moments from shattering at all given times, and it's only his own desperate control that keeps the shards clinging together.

"Nothing. It's nothing. Get some sleep."

Yosuke blinks at him, frowns, but finally replies with an uneasy, "Yeah, partner."

His next, and final, try isn't until a week after Christmas. It's over, the killer caught, everyone's other selves faced down. Everyone's but his.

Souji stays silent and still as around and above him, scattered haphazardly as they are across the Samegawa floodplain, everyone chatters happily and teases each other. Kanji is trying to explain how to craft a simple sock puppet to Chie. Rise is teaching Teddie to play catch. Yukiko, Yosuke and Naoto are having an involved argument about what kind of music they best prefer.

Souji takes a deep breath, holds it, waits for a lull in the conversation and blurts it out.

"What was it like, having a Shadow?"

And that seems to open the floodgates. Now he's said that, he can't help the rest of his worries, fears, insecurities from spilling out. No one has said anything yet, their own conversations falling away into the startled silence. "I.. I mean. I just. I wondered." All the expression, all the courage in the world can't make this easier.

Souji rubbed the back of his head, eyes fixated on the shadow his hand casts, some part of him terrified that it could vanish at any moment. "Everything casts a shadow," he says slowly, and suddenly it's easier, it's like he's just talking to himself. "Everything that exists casts a shadow. I... I don't... I don't feel _real_."

Teddie hugs him first, but the rest aren't far behind.

When they've resettled themselves, in the riverside shelter this time, Souji finds himself surrounded. Yosuke and Teddie flank him, but the others press close as well. Everyone's interrupting each other, trying to talk at once, reassuring him that he's real, of course he is, and telling him how much he means to them- and he feels the weight of his wristband, of the bandage he carries, of his detective badge, his shrine charm, his cute strap, his autographed photo.

In the end, it's Teddie's quiet whisper that makes him feel better, almost makes him feel whole.

Because Teddie understands.

Because Teddie says, quietly, "I'll be your Shadow, Sensei."


End file.
